Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
