If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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