I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
