I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
