Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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