i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
