Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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