Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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