i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
