Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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