i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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