I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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