I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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