there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
