So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
