I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize