Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
