i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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