imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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