my mouth tastes like poor choices
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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