I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
