So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
