even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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