I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
