Ketchup is God's man juice
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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