so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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