It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
