We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
