I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
