my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
