question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
