see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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