We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
