he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
