At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
