Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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