Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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