there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
