You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
