Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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