Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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