It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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