woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
