then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
