there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
