i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
