Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't turn off my feet"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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