So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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