did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
