I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
