I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
