Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you didnt know i had herpes?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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