stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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