You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
