I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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