Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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