do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
tell me about the eggs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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