I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
