Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
