He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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