So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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